My Testimony (part 2)
To tell you about that crossroads, I have to back way up.
You see, I wasn't planning to return to the Mennonites. I knew they wouldn't accept my Spirit-Baptism. I just didn't feel my walk with God would be acceptable to them.
But it seemed God led me back for a season, for His purpose.
This will be painful to share, but I believe in telling the truth.
I know some will think a woman must always shelter her man, and cover for his sins. But God never says that. God says to speak the truth in love. Covering sins never helps anyone to prosper.
I will always love the man I married. But he is no longer that man.
I remember him with fondness, and great sadness. I pray daily for him, that God would have mercy on him, and forgive him. He truly did not know what he was doing... and might never understand. But I leave that with God. I have resolved to forgive and bless him.
What I share from this point is not out of bitterness or blame. It's just my story, okay?
Two weeks after my husband left, I hit bottom. I was so depressed. My children's hearts were broken. We were all broken. So often, my little girl would crawl up on my lap, and we'd just weep together. It seemed the whole world was broken, and nothing could put it together again. I'd drive down the road, tears flowing nonstop. I felt so mutilated to the core. Like a chainsaw had been taken to my gut.
The one person who told me he loved me, and I had given my entire life to, had turned on me, throwing me aside, like trash.
For many years, I had heard a voice whispering to me about suicide. I thought it was my own thoughts. Suggestions of how to do it. Reasons why to do it. It got louder and more insistent over the years, until I had started talking about it. I couldn't get away from this. It hounded me constantly.
Two weeks after he left, I almost did it. I was driving to my friend's home, and was meeting semi after semi. The voice screamed at me, "Turn the wheel! It'll all be over! Your children won't cry anymore!" I fought to keep that car pointed straight ahead.
When I got there, I sent the children outside to play, and grabbed my friend. "Will you pray with me? I need someone to pray with me right now!" We went into her living room, and shut the door. I'll never forget that moment. I sat in an off-white chair close to her picture window. She sat nearby.
And I began to say, "Satan, in the Name of Jesus, I'm telling you right now to get off of me!"
Suddenly, I heard myself shouting --the Holy Spirit had stepped up and taken over-- "I am bought by the Blood of Jesus Christ. My body is a temple of the Holy Ghost. I am redeemed, cleansed and sanctified by the Blood. I am a member of Christ's body, of His flesh, and of His bones! I command you in Jesus' Name to leave me now and NEVER COME BACK! --And don't you dare touch the children!"
Instantly, it felt like a window opened and slammed shut, soundlessly. SOMETHING very dark had left that room! My eyes were still closed... but I heard myself softly laughing. SUCH PEACE! I felt light as a feather! It was as if the sun had come out. I opened my eyes, and asked Tammy, "Did you feel that Thing leave?" Her eyes were like saucers, as she wordlessly nodded.
The struggle with suicide was over.
I never again heard a suggestion of suicide in my head.
I was FREE INDEED.
.......................
Soon after my husband left, I was notified that I would have to find a place for myself and the children to live; he gave me a date when he would no longer help pay the rent. So, I began looking for something I could afford.
By then, I had gotten a part-time job. Not enough to fully support me and the children, but enough to keep food on the table and clothes on our backs. There was some child support and alimony coming in, which paid the bills. I had very little. I felt I could pay 200 a month for rent... but where??
I searched everywhere I could think. I scoured the papers, drove down roads, looking. And I saw that the lowest rent around started at $400 a month. That was simply unmanageable. I began to feel desperate.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And I knew my God.
So I called my children to the living room, and asked them to kneel with me. They came, dragging their feet.
I asked them: "You believe in God, don't you?" Silence.
Finally, my little 9 year old girl answered, "If there is a God, He doesn't care about us."
I looked at my 15 year old son, who shrugged and said, "What she said."
My heart broke the worst at that point that it has ever broken.
To destroy my own heart was one thing, but to destroy my children's faith in God was another whole ball game!
But a supernatural strength entered into my spirit and something put a rod of steel down my backbone.
"That's alright. You don't have to believe. I've got enough faith for all three of us. I am going to pray, and you are going to kneel here with me until I'm done. Got it?"
So, we held hands, on our knees. And I started,
"God, You know we need another place to live. And You know I can only spend $200 a month. I have looked everywhere I know to look, and I can't find anything. I really don't mind living in a trailer. But I do not want to raise my children in a trailer court. And while I'm asking, I'm going to ask for what I want. I am asking for 5 acres. And You know I love the woods. Would you give me woods? And while I'm asking anyhow, would you give us a creek while you're at it?
"And God, I'm looking to You for direction where to live. I'm not looking to man. So I'm not going to ask anyone. I'm not even going to tell anyone we need to move. I'm putting this completely into Your hands. Thank you. In Jesus' Name, Amen."
I looked up, and my children were staring at me like I was out of my mind.
"Now children, you may not tell ANYONE what we prayed for."
"Don't worry, Mom, we won't!"
We all kept that secret. I didn't even tell my family I needed to move.
But a week or two later, on April 20th, I called my mother to wish her a happy birthday.
We exchanged pleasantries, and I was ready to say goodbye, when suddenly, she said--
"You know, Mary Ellen, we have a 5-acre piece of woods right next to us here, and I've really been thinking lately... we could put a trailer and septic and well on it, and you could buy it from us, paying us $200 a month. Do you think you would consider that?"
I was glad I was already sitting down.
I had one question.
"Mom, is there a creek?"
Of course there was.
Obviously, the Lord had answered. So we began getting ready to move. We had to be out in two months. Perfect timing!
But God put a twist in the plans.
In a month, my stepfather, "Papa", had fallen and had a serious health setback. He came home from the hospital needing a lot of care. So they moved in with my sister next door, leaving their house empty.
Mama called me, asking if I would consider moving into their house, instead.
I had told the Lord I would be happy with a trailer, so He gave Mama that idea at first.
But God had better plans than what I had prayed for.
........................
After moving, I wanted so badly to find a Pentecostal church... but I knew nothing of the area.
I did the only thing I knew to do: join the Mennonite church my family went to.
And it did feel very familiar. "Mennonite" will always be my culture. I know how the Mennonites think. I know without asking, what to expect in Mennonite culture. I know how to fit in there. So it felt like going back home, to rejoin the Mennonite church. I was comfortable.
But the Spirit within me was not. Something deep inside me was very sad. I tried to ignore it.
I was settling into being Mennonite.
Until God simply made that impossible.
But this post is long enough.
Stay tuned!
You see, I wasn't planning to return to the Mennonites. I knew they wouldn't accept my Spirit-Baptism. I just didn't feel my walk with God would be acceptable to them.
But it seemed God led me back for a season, for His purpose.
This will be painful to share, but I believe in telling the truth.
I know some will think a woman must always shelter her man, and cover for his sins. But God never says that. God says to speak the truth in love. Covering sins never helps anyone to prosper.
I will always love the man I married. But he is no longer that man.
I remember him with fondness, and great sadness. I pray daily for him, that God would have mercy on him, and forgive him. He truly did not know what he was doing... and might never understand. But I leave that with God. I have resolved to forgive and bless him.
What I share from this point is not out of bitterness or blame. It's just my story, okay?
Two weeks after my husband left, I hit bottom. I was so depressed. My children's hearts were broken. We were all broken. So often, my little girl would crawl up on my lap, and we'd just weep together. It seemed the whole world was broken, and nothing could put it together again. I'd drive down the road, tears flowing nonstop. I felt so mutilated to the core. Like a chainsaw had been taken to my gut.
The one person who told me he loved me, and I had given my entire life to, had turned on me, throwing me aside, like trash.
For many years, I had heard a voice whispering to me about suicide. I thought it was my own thoughts. Suggestions of how to do it. Reasons why to do it. It got louder and more insistent over the years, until I had started talking about it. I couldn't get away from this. It hounded me constantly.
Two weeks after he left, I almost did it. I was driving to my friend's home, and was meeting semi after semi. The voice screamed at me, "Turn the wheel! It'll all be over! Your children won't cry anymore!" I fought to keep that car pointed straight ahead.
When I got there, I sent the children outside to play, and grabbed my friend. "Will you pray with me? I need someone to pray with me right now!" We went into her living room, and shut the door. I'll never forget that moment. I sat in an off-white chair close to her picture window. She sat nearby.
And I began to say, "Satan, in the Name of Jesus, I'm telling you right now to get off of me!"
Suddenly, I heard myself shouting --the Holy Spirit had stepped up and taken over-- "I am bought by the Blood of Jesus Christ. My body is a temple of the Holy Ghost. I am redeemed, cleansed and sanctified by the Blood. I am a member of Christ's body, of His flesh, and of His bones! I command you in Jesus' Name to leave me now and NEVER COME BACK! --And don't you dare touch the children!"
Instantly, it felt like a window opened and slammed shut, soundlessly. SOMETHING very dark had left that room! My eyes were still closed... but I heard myself softly laughing. SUCH PEACE! I felt light as a feather! It was as if the sun had come out. I opened my eyes, and asked Tammy, "Did you feel that Thing leave?" Her eyes were like saucers, as she wordlessly nodded.
The struggle with suicide was over.
I never again heard a suggestion of suicide in my head.
I was FREE INDEED.
.......................
Soon after my husband left, I was notified that I would have to find a place for myself and the children to live; he gave me a date when he would no longer help pay the rent. So, I began looking for something I could afford.
By then, I had gotten a part-time job. Not enough to fully support me and the children, but enough to keep food on the table and clothes on our backs. There was some child support and alimony coming in, which paid the bills. I had very little. I felt I could pay 200 a month for rent... but where??
I searched everywhere I could think. I scoured the papers, drove down roads, looking. And I saw that the lowest rent around started at $400 a month. That was simply unmanageable. I began to feel desperate.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And I knew my God.
So I called my children to the living room, and asked them to kneel with me. They came, dragging their feet.
I asked them: "You believe in God, don't you?" Silence.
Finally, my little 9 year old girl answered, "If there is a God, He doesn't care about us."
I looked at my 15 year old son, who shrugged and said, "What she said."
My heart broke the worst at that point that it has ever broken.
To destroy my own heart was one thing, but to destroy my children's faith in God was another whole ball game!
But a supernatural strength entered into my spirit and something put a rod of steel down my backbone.
"That's alright. You don't have to believe. I've got enough faith for all three of us. I am going to pray, and you are going to kneel here with me until I'm done. Got it?"
So, we held hands, on our knees. And I started,
"God, You know we need another place to live. And You know I can only spend $200 a month. I have looked everywhere I know to look, and I can't find anything. I really don't mind living in a trailer. But I do not want to raise my children in a trailer court. And while I'm asking, I'm going to ask for what I want. I am asking for 5 acres. And You know I love the woods. Would you give me woods? And while I'm asking anyhow, would you give us a creek while you're at it?
"And God, I'm looking to You for direction where to live. I'm not looking to man. So I'm not going to ask anyone. I'm not even going to tell anyone we need to move. I'm putting this completely into Your hands. Thank you. In Jesus' Name, Amen."
I looked up, and my children were staring at me like I was out of my mind.
"Now children, you may not tell ANYONE what we prayed for."
"Don't worry, Mom, we won't!"
We all kept that secret. I didn't even tell my family I needed to move.
But a week or two later, on April 20th, I called my mother to wish her a happy birthday.
We exchanged pleasantries, and I was ready to say goodbye, when suddenly, she said--
"You know, Mary Ellen, we have a 5-acre piece of woods right next to us here, and I've really been thinking lately... we could put a trailer and septic and well on it, and you could buy it from us, paying us $200 a month. Do you think you would consider that?"
I was glad I was already sitting down.
I had one question.
"Mom, is there a creek?"
Of course there was.
Obviously, the Lord had answered. So we began getting ready to move. We had to be out in two months. Perfect timing!
But God put a twist in the plans.
In a month, my stepfather, "Papa", had fallen and had a serious health setback. He came home from the hospital needing a lot of care. So they moved in with my sister next door, leaving their house empty.
Mama called me, asking if I would consider moving into their house, instead.
I had told the Lord I would be happy with a trailer, so He gave Mama that idea at first.
But God had better plans than what I had prayed for.
........................
After moving, I wanted so badly to find a Pentecostal church... but I knew nothing of the area.
I did the only thing I knew to do: join the Mennonite church my family went to.
And it did feel very familiar. "Mennonite" will always be my culture. I know how the Mennonites think. I know without asking, what to expect in Mennonite culture. I know how to fit in there. So it felt like going back home, to rejoin the Mennonite church. I was comfortable.
But the Spirit within me was not. Something deep inside me was very sad. I tried to ignore it.
I was settling into being Mennonite.
Until God simply made that impossible.
But this post is long enough.
Stay tuned!
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